Self-Esteem at Home

Finding the Right Balance

A father and mother took their six-year-old son to a restaurant. They each gave the waitress their orders. The waitress then turned to the child and asked, "And what would you like, young man?"

The child said, "I want two hot dogs with mustard and a coke." The mother smiled to the waitress and said, "You may bring him roast beef with vegetables and mashed potatoes." The waitress returned with the parents' orders, and in front of the child she placed two hot dogs and a coke. The mother was aghast, but the child grinned from ear to ear. "Look, Mom, " he said, "she thinks I'm real!"

The thing that we parents and educators forget is that "a child is a person too". Children's feelings and opinions must be heard in order for them to feel and develop a sense of self-awareness, separateness and identity. Allowing a child to make certain decisions, like the clothes they want to choose from the closet or what to choose at a restaurant, (within reason), will help the child feel like he is an independent valued person, not merely an extension of his parents.

Parents cannot give a child self-esteem, nor can they give a child happiness. All that parents can do is provide a home atmosphere that is conducive to the development of self-esteem and give the child tools with which he/she can find his/her own happiness. How can parents create such an atmosphere? Self-esteem is contagious. By parents exuding self-esteem themselves, the child is likely to "catch it" from them.

Parents who are insecure and anxious are likely to transmit that attitude to their children. Thus, a lack of self-esteem can be transmitted to the next generation. One parent said to her child in a family counseling session, "I didn't purposely withhold praise and encouragement from you. I never got praise or unconditional love from my parents so I was simply unable to give self-esteem to you."

Children come into the world totally dependent on their parents and remain in that state much longer than animals. An animal becomes self sufficient soon after birth, while a child remains dependent until they learn the skills necessary for economic and social independence. How parents mange the balancing act between protection and independence will have a major impact on the child's developing self concept.

Parenting conducive to self-esteem is a highly skilled task. It does not come naturally. It must be learned. If a child is asked to do things that is beyond his or her ability the child will not say, "This is not fair. This demand is unrealistic". Rather, the child will think of himself as incapable or inept. He will think there is something wrong with him that he cannot complete the task. If this is repeated often enough the child will begin to develop a negative self image. Conversely, if parents constantly spoon-feed their child and do things for the child that he can reasonably do for himself, then they are depriving the child of experiences that can help him develop self confidence.

Based on Life's Too Short! by Dr. Abraham Twerski, St. Martin's Press, 1995, Pages 25-32